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After 101: Even Death Needs Training
A title card: “How to be Death. Episode 307: Reaping”
A chirpy instructional video plays. On screen is a VIDEO INSTRUCTOR who presents the lesson.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
In this lesson we will cover
interacting with your clients.
A skeletal hand hits PAUSE.
PULL OUT onto a cell phone playing the video. It is suspended in an empty large wooden tube tv. Employee and safety manuals are scattered everywhere. The hand belongs to DEATH, who sits offscreen. Only his hand is visible along with a giant pad of paper. Death carefully finishes writing “307: Reaping” on a new page.
Death hits PLAY.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
As we discussed in episode 306, the
LT 2000, or Life Timer 2000, is so
advanced it comes to YOU at the end
of the clients life.
The video shows an advanced hourglass in glittering glory.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
Before arriving at your location the
LT 2000 will emit a pleasant chime.
The LT 2000 makes a sonorous TING!
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
Touch it to teleport to your client.
A cartoony animated death touches the hourglass and is whisked away to a ghost.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
At the site the client may be confused, angry, or even mute. Try these trendy transitional motivations, or TTMs, to notify them of their new life status.
Text rapidly scrolls by on the screen.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
For the millennials try: “Welcome
to the new post you!”
SCRITCH SCRITCH! The hand starts writing. The scrolling continues.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
A self help enthusiast? Go with “No
Body? No Problem!”
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRITCH! The hand picks up speed.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
For more enlightened clients: “You
are at the end and the beginning.”
Pages are TEARING off the book as the hand can’t keep up. The video moves on.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
Once you have applied your TTM,
escort the client to the desert.
Cartoon death shows the ghost a sunset view of a beautiful desert. An oasis shimmers in the distance.
SCRITCH SCRITCH! More notes.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
Once you’ve arrived, it is critical
that you..
The video FREEZES. The writing pauses.
Death waits to see if it restarts. Nothing
He taps the phone.. nothing.
Finally he touches the time slider but it OVERSHOOTS and skips to the end.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
.. where they belong.
GAH! He presses the back 10 seconds button but the video restarts at the BEGINNING.
It shows blackness then an EXPLOSION of white. TING! A teeny atom sized timer appears.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
The first timer came with the big
bang, it was developed by...
Death scrolls forward.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
..When disassembling the left rig
nut assembly of the trifold manifold,
it is imperative that you..
Death scrolls again.
VIDEO INSTRUCTOR
To prevent antimatter annihilation,
remember to store the LT 2000 in..
The phone goes BLACK. It’s battery is DEAD. Death SCRAMBLES to plug it in but it’s too late. PULL OUT to finally see Death in the chair. A large “Hello my name is DEATH” sticker is stuck to his cloak.
He taps the phone with his SCYTHE and the phone SHATTERS.
He stares at the broken glass, then looks over his notes. They read: 1. “You are at the end and the beginning.”
2. “This is the desert”
3. ????
4. “Where you belong?”
He knows that isn’t enough. He sighs and tapes the notes to the handle of his SCYTHE.
BREEEEP! A very LOUD sound. Death FALLS out of his chair. A timer appears and PLUMMETS to the ground. It slowly ROLLS underneath the TV stand.
GUIDE (V.O.)
All life has a beginning, a middle,
and an end.
Death REACHES with his hand. CLINK. It rolls further away.
GUIDE (V.O.)
What they don’t tell you, is what
comes after.
Death uses the phone for extra reach. He is so CLOSE but DROPS the phone! Death pulls out his hand. It’s covered in webs and a SPIDER!?!
DEATH
YAHH!
SPIDER
Aieee!
The spider DIES! breep! A tiny timer appears and the spider’s soul-form comes out.
SPIDER SOUL
Aieee!
GUIDE (V.O.)
How your after ends is up to you…
but this is how it begins.
The room is wrecked. Death is in a CRAZY pose and is COVERED in dust. His Scythe is DEEP underneath the TV.
Success! He hooks the timer with his scythe. It reads TARA. He touches it and DISAPPEARS
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